Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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