dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Randomize
