my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
