gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
