Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
