This dress was meant to end up on your floor
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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