You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
