I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
