tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
