I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
