I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
