my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I would ride that face into the sunset
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
