My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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