From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
