Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
