The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
