Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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