Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
