Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
