Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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