I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
