Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
