I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
