I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
