I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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