I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
