Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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