I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
