I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize