I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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