We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
