I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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