I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
