Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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