he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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