Who wears a wallet chain?!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
