why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My hand turned me down
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
