There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
