nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
