You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
