i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
