the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
