The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
