a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
