I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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