Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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