There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
