You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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