All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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