Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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