how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
